On my mind...

This is a re-post of an article I recently read, I hope you will enjoy it. It is Tina Fey’s Hilarious Prayer for Her Daughter. All those things are on my mind these days (and so are sushi, Mexican food and Italian pasta):

 First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her. When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.
And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.
“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.
Amen.

Is it just my hormones or did this make you teary too?

I am still here…

I've been sitting here, chewing my lower lip nervously and staring at the "new post" window close to 20 minutes now. For the hundredth time this week.

It’s not that I don’t know what to write about- I have plenty of ideas bouncing around one better than the other. It’s just that none of them are as epic or seem as entertaining as the topic I have planned for a later post. A much later post. To avoid giving anything away just yet, let’s leave it at that.

Meanwhile, rest assured that I am still around and big things are happening as I type this. Huge things. Enormously gigantic things. Soon to come are a series of posts that will blow your mind and glue you to this excuse-of-a-blog for many moons to come. (A girl can hope right?)

I absolutely suck at surprises so I am going to keep this post short to avoid actually blabbing it all out now.

Drum roll please.

Are you all jittery and excited yet?

Can we be friend?

Apparently I look like someone who is in dire need of some good new friends. Not a week goes by that I don't find strange and somewhat disturbing messages in my Facebook inbox from men who seem to believe that they have what it takes to befriend me. Mind you now, I would understand if my Facebook picture was provocative or even the least bit sexy. Maybe if I was doing the spread eagle in a skimpy bikini "Lonely Wolf" might have reason enough to send across a friend request. Most of the time my Facebook profile picture is either or me and my husband in a warm embrace- but "SexyMan2012" still thinks its ok to seek my everlasting friendship. I do occasionally allow myself to pass judgement on girls who's profile picture is around 80% breasts and 20% face- now they have no right to reject "Lonely Wolf" when he comes calling for them. At the moment I am actually holding a puppy and hugging my brother on my profile picture- that could be my child for all these freaks know! So dear weird stalkers. Quit it. I am not going to have an epiphany when I read your request to be "long time friend" as I have plenty of real, well-intentioned and mentally stable friends. Thank you very much.

Here are some of the most recent proposals I have received and my proposed answers.(Don't kill yourself laughing):

1. Al Yak****
hello Olga
how are u?
we can be friend?
thanx alot dear
Oh dear honey munchik sugar pie Al Yak***. Ofcourse we can be friend. We can even watch Kung Fu Panda this coming weekend. Or better yet, why don't we skip the whole "friendship" charade and rent a room for the weekend? Thanks a lot dear.

2. Ali ***

Hope life treat u good,,
I'm half Omani man :-).. I lived most of my life outside Oman,,,,i'm back now 2 Muscat.. I love everything beautiful in this life, accepting life in all its glory and despair., Live for Love and die for it... I like to enjoy every second of my life and make it the best moment if i could.. i'm single and looking for a place for my heart :-).
I would like to know u and hope if we can be in touch..
Yours
Gentleman
Dear Gentleman, thank you for your heartfelt revelations. I feel like I have known you all my life. It is a wonder that you are single, seeing that you accept life in all its glory in despair- I used to think a lot of women out there do the same. Since you are back 2 Muscat why don't I show you around the city? I could probably take a few days leave off work and we could go on excursions and beautiful coastline cruises...oh how I can't wait to be "in touch" with you! Yours truly, Gentlewoman.

3. Massager
hello how r u ...i am massager from muscat ,,,u want good massage pls send mail .after i will give my number
Dear Massager from muscat, thank you for extending your services. The available 5 star signature spas and beauty salons are just not up to my expectations, you know? Sometimes I seek an edge or a thrill! And next time I do- I will be sure to give you a call and you can gove me a good massage! I look forward to our next close encounter dear massager and I just know your business will prosper in muscat!


Now these are just the crème of the pie (or the pick of the litter) as I could not possibly bother to dig any deeper. I don't actually ever reply to messages like that as I don't want to spend even a second of my day on these weird, desperate, delusional people.
I would be happy write to tell them to Fkcu Off and ignoring them works just as well. Weird. Freaks.

What happened to meeting girls the old fashioned way?

And the award goes to...

It's been an odd week here in blogland with the bloggers taking their picks at blogs of note and reposting the ranking for others to see. Oman Collective Intelligence set off the rocket with their post on Top 15 most popular blogs in Oman, which was then reposted by Dhofar Gucci (who made it to #4 on the list-Congratulations!!!). The list was also linked on The Oman Brit's post and she went on to put together her own list of blogs she enjoys. I did a little shriek of happiness when I discovered Is This Serious on the 3rd position of The Oman Brit's favorite blogs! C's blog was made headlines! When C launched her blog some three months ago, I posted a link here calling it my anti-blog and recommending for everyone to check it out because it has zest and attitude! I believe Angry in Oman has inspired C to speak out and say it as it is; be it about getting followed, getting sued or even getting your eyebrows done in Oman! So dear C, thank you for the frustration that you have endured and are now willingly sharing with us for our amusement! We LOVE your blog!

Here a few of my favorite quotes from Is This Serious:

“As I was walking back home, grown ass men started barking at the dog, so I shouted MORE so everybody shuts up. Now I am known in the neighborhood as the crazy dog lady who screams at people.”

“Even if I told someone fuck fuck fuckidy fuck, why would they actually bother making that into an issue instead of catching REAL criminals, sex offenders, and thieves! It’s not like we don’t have enough issues to address!!”

“Groomer: Yes madam, no problem. Only hair, no head.

Me: YESSS head!!!!! NO BALLS. JUST DON’T SHAVE HIS BALLS. OK????”

So dear readers please pay Is This Serious a visit to find out what all the fuss is about.

How to lose an employee in ten days…

We are all familiar with Conan Doyle’s masterpiece “How to make friends and influence people” and the spin offs that followed. The modern-day business sections of book stores are boasting with books promising to motivate, educate and retain the most effective employees.  No one seems to write books titled “The jerk’s guide to business ethics” or “101 ways to insult your staff”. Well businessmen out there- do not fear! I have put together a rough guide that can be used to piss off and ultimately lose your most productive and valued employees.

(Disclaimer: All quotes and incidents presented below are non-fictional and have actually been used by an employer to drive away hard working and talented staff. )

The following phases must be said in an intimidating and inferior manner:

Late in the evening after hours of overtime:
• “Why are your eyes so blood shot, are you on drugs?”
• “If you leave work right now, you can never come back”
• “Your legs look good in this skirt”

In an official meeting where minutes are taken:
• “That color of nail polish doesn’t match your clothes”
• “Please send me a rough draft of your menstrual cycle”
• “That rash on your face looks like an STD, you should have it checked”
• “I am like a tree, my branches can bend anyway they want”
• “The women in the company can get a day off for PMS every month”
• “Please bring up my cookies and a glass of milk”
• “Make my meetings and travel dates flexible, my mother might pass away next week”

During a moment of truth:
• “If you don’t lose weight your boyfriend will not want to have sex with you”
• “But what are you going to do if your husband dies tomorrow?”
• “Do you know any Russian women I could meet?”
• “If your husband is travelling for business he is probably cheating on you”
• “Why do you look so tired, did you have a lot of fun with your boyfriend last night?”
• “In a company we are one family, sometimes we will need to go to my house to finish work”
• “Do you have any single friends who can come to the concert with me?”
• “You forget everything! It’s probably because you have young children”
• “Your butterfly tattoo is a symbol of prostitution, clearly”

To an Omani employee:
• “I forbid you to wear a black headscarf- its depressing, the orange one is just more cheerful…you know?”
• “You are fined for not showing up to work the day it rained and all the roads in Mawaleh flooded making it impossible to come to Muscat, it doesn’t matter that you actually live in Mawaleh”
• “You are not allowed to lock the door when you are praying in the kitchen, what if I need a glass of water?”
• “You should shape your eyebrows or no one will marry you”

Should the above phrases not provide immediate results, try the following:
• Ask your employees to pick up your lunch during their lunch break
• Ask for apples/cookies/sandwiches to be given to you at a very specific time everyday
• Sneak up on female employees and make animal sounds
• Call your female employees after 10pm and scold them for not picking up the phone fast enough
• Refer to employees in the company as “the black one, the ugly one or the fat one”
• Freak your employees out by googling things like “Single European women travelling alone”
• Rub your enormous stomach and ask in a sexy voice if you have lost weight this week.
• Insist that employees cannot have two days off because you get bored during the weekends
• Lock your female employee out on purpose while she is on her smocking break (out of good intentions of course! Maybe she will quit!)
• Go into the toilet as soon as your employee is done to make sure they put the toilet seat down

Voila. Do you think these are bizarre? They may be but you have my word for it…they actually work!

Now you are ready to verbally assault and consequently drive away even the most resilient team! Go figure!

On second thought...

Dear 2011

Before we meet I thought it best to give you a crystal clear idea of my expectations. Now, I am done blindly walking into others like you (2010, 2009, 2008…etc) hence from now on we are going to play by my rules. I may come off as excessively a little demanding, but trust me, that is only because I have a gut feeling about you.

I have let your predecessor disappoint me a little, and although we had a fantastic time overall, there were a few hiccups I would gladly do without. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful for the fantastic new job, my healthy family or the chance to go back home this year. I am forever thankful for the blessings in disguise and eternally pissed off about the lows. You would agree that when it got bad it got worse wouldn’t you? Hence, I make it your primary responsibility to make sure that during your 12 months reign none of that shit happens again. Don’t look at me like that; you know perfectly well what I am talking about.

My humble demands are perfectly reasonable and I think it is only fair to approach you with a counter request since you know what you can expect from me while you are around. All my strength, weaknesses and ambitions are in the palm of your hand to do with as you see fit. I must admit New Year’s resolutions are as achievable as participating in a triathlon for me, but you have always known that. However for you I am going to make an exception because I trust you to make all the right decisions about the course of events. I am going to make you a deal. *Drumroll* for the first time ever I promise to stick to the resolutions I am about to make, I will bend over backwards to make it work. It will not be a piece of cake but I will do my utmost to uphold my end of the deal. I expect you to do the same shady 2011. Here goes nothing:

1. I resolve to be calmer and more adequate. I will count to ten and bite my tongue, then count to ten again- before replying to anything that makes my blood boil. (However if after counting to ten twice I still haven’t to tell them shove it, they full on deserve it, wouldn’t you agree?)

2. I will make amends with my non-friends and relatives that I fantasize about killing don’t particularly like, I will forgive their faults and accept them as they are with all their issues, flaws and limitations.

3. I resolve to make use of my gym membership, and not only because I like the fact that the treadmill has a funky little TV, I will do it because I care about my health.

4. I resolve to get over my fear of dentists and sort out the 4 wisdom teeth that have been KILLING ME in slow, deliberate, painful agony for the last 2 years (ahem…)

5. I will come around the finishing off the many projects that lie gathering dust in the bottom drawer, the wedding album, the scrap book, the ever growing family tree. I will shoo away procrastination for good (I am not saying that I will never speak to it again, but when it does approach me I will say “shoooo” then we will see how it goes…)

Listed above are issues that I have been avoiding like the plague the last few years, hence please appreciate what an enormous offering I am making here. In return, I don’t ask for the world. There won’t even be anything materialistic on my list (that’s my other list, I can’t publish that on the blog!) I simply want the following from you:

1. This is an important one. Stop taking people out of my life. You know perfectly well how irrationally sensitive I am to death. Wounds like that take decades to heal and your fellow 2010 has done enough damage to me to cause fatal complications. I know this is a little out of your league, but I know you have good connections- just pass the message on.

2. Send a few muses down to make the people in my life a little more appreciative and helpful. Inspire them to be more considerate and gentle. I have been feeling pretty damn unacknowledged this year, and I am seriously considering crossing a few sour individuals out of the party list. But now I can’t do that because of my Resolution # 2… so work something out, will ya?

3. Slow down the rollercoaster. You know I get queasy and shaky during the ride; adrenalin has never been a key ingredient in my dish. Give me a chance to stop and smell the roses. With 2010 it was roses, daffodils, tulips, buttercups, carnations; …really I am ok with just the roses. Give me some time to catch my breath.

4. Bring on hell or high water. Challenge me.  Shower me with opportunities. Threaten me with difficulties and sit back and watch me cope. Send masked opportunities my way and trust me to recognize and conquer. Don’t hold anything back, I am a big tough girl- I can take it.

I won’t be greedy. That will be all for now. See, I told you I will ask for absolutely rational terms. Now 2011, put on your big boy pants and make it happen… don’t make me tell 2012 on you.

Best Wishes,

Olga

Behold- my anti-blog

Dear Readers,

Hi there.

I would like to bring to your attention that My Cynthia has started a blog of her own (do I hear Hallelujah?). I am proud to introduce http://www.is-this-serious.blogspot.com/ also known as Olga's anti-blog because of this phrase " If you are looking for motivational quotes, or some cooking tips, you are not in the right place."
It is perhaps the most sarcastic, passionate, angry blog there is about Oman. Now, if you are lucky enough to know Cynthia your current thoughts are "but she is such a sweetheart, how can she write something so angry". Well HA! The joke is on you people. Between the two of us, I am the one who candy-coats, coaxes and generalizes, Cynthia on the other hand will tell it like it is, wrap it in sarcasm and pour chocolate syrup on top just to make it more appealing. So if you are wondering what's there to hate about Oman- give it a read, it will have you laughing in fits with every sentence.

A tale of two cities...

Al Mar'a women's magazine in Oman, asked me to write a story for their feature "My City". I was greatly honored to participate in this project, and spend a few evening in solitude organizing my thoughts for this piece. My biggest challenge was fitting everything I was eager to express into merely 600 words. Well, it will be published at the end of the month- for now enjoy the "raw" cut...

“So where are you from?” is the second question I get asked, right after the new acquaintance finds out my name. “I am from Uzbekistan” I sheepishly reply, making a mental note to carefully pronounce every syllable so that it is not confused with Kazakhstan or Pakistan.  A mixture of exclamations and “Oh, The Silk Route, Tashkent, Bukhara, Amir Timur” usually follows this revelation.

Uzbekistan is indeed a country with rich heritage, its ancient urban cultural centers of Bukhara, Chiwa and Samarkand. Although my roots extend deep into Russia and Ukraine, I proudly sport a sincere smile when I hear heartwarming comments about the people of Tashkent and the flourishing development of the country- which I consider home.

A country that is by some associated with the former USSR, the Aral Sea and continuous socio-economic setbacks- I remember with the fondest memories sewed together with gentle smiles, helping hands and delicious meals. Colorful flashbacks of a carefree childhood in the capital-Tashkent, float by in the shape of my grandmother’s house, Uzbek bread, cotton and icy snowflakes.

As a child, I acquired unconditional love for my hometown. I grew patriotic and appreciative of the busy city life in the capital of Uzbekistan; the crowded market places, the seasonal vegetables and fruits; the hotmess of it all. When I was 10 years old my family moved to Oman  where I completed my education and remain to this day, eagerly returning to my home town every chance I get and hungrily savoring every moment of my presence there.

Although many parallels can be drawn between Oman and Uzbekistan- climate and nature are not amongst these. Perfectly balanced seasons, from chilly spring showers to snowy winters, and all the goodness in between can be found in Tashkent. Nature’s best is at your fingertips just outside the capital- majestic Tyan Shan Mountain ranges are an attractive base for campers, hikers, skiers and snow boarders from all around the globe.  However one does not need to venture far for a glimpse of greenery as the capital is bursting with vibrant plantations, ancient oak trees and carefully land shafted lawns. Fountains and monuments are also found on every corner, designated areas are available for leisure, and parks are well maintained and equipped with rides and attractions for all ages. An evening in the capital never passes uneventfully; a simple walk through the city center will leave an everlasting impression of a modern city with history breathing through every brick and stone.

The sense of “life” in the capital is almost overwhelming and majestic in comparison to Muscat. Ever so modern, yet green and peaceful- Tashkent changes by the minute, eager to catch up with the world; supermarkets, business centers and malls are springing up like mushrooms after rain. During my most recent trip I had trouble recognizing streets and whole areas at a time due to drastic changes in infrastructure.

What has not changed is the atmosphere of utmost hospitability and sincerity.  The citizens of Tashkent are still busily buzzing round around crowded streets, jamming sardine-like into busses and metro trains and joyously attending parades and festivals. The aromas of the profound national dish- Palov (similar to the beloved Biryani) continue to surround street cafes and the delicious barbeques of every variety are used to lure pedestrians.

The gentle simplicity of life in Uzbekistan is the key reason for my nostalgia. It remains pure, frugal and unchallenged by the hype of modernizations. Whether it is the lady selling homemade pastries just outside her house or the a group of 5^th graders building a tree house from scratch- life in Tashkent is perfect as it is; scaled down, random and simple in the most wonderful way.